I am pleased to announce that I have been appointed president of The Masters’ Colege. While this may come as a surprise to many, the current president has decided to focus his energies on his grandchildren. Thus the bored of trustees searched and found me. While some might object that I do not have a doctorate, the college or seminary (one of them, not yet decided) will award me an honorary doctorate, thus proving that I am qualified. Some might object that I’m not connected enough to the college to be ready to take over. I acknowledge the fact that except for two semesters in 2001-02, for the last 11 years, I have been 8,000 miles away from the school. And this year while in Dallas I don’t have a clue about what is going on, except for 573 emails from Sherry Staffs each day. But the board has decided that “not having a clue” is really an advantage. Others might object that I have no experience. But experience is over-rated. And I would have you know that in grade school, I ran for ASB vice-president several times. Since then, I have been a community leader. I’m not a first-term senator, but otherwise I have as much experience as either Obama or Hillary, and I’m only being appointed president of a college with 1,000 students, not commander-in-chief of 300 million people. So, take that! But really, the administration has acknowledged my remarkable skills at bringing people together, my ability to give mesmerizing speeches to groups larger than 20, and my giftedness at taking photographs of mounds of dirt. I accept their appointment with profound humility, and declare my readiness to prove to the world just why that other “Christian” college (notice the quotation marks!) in Southern California is far inferior.
Many presidents-elect would prefer to dilly-dally before announcing grand plans about what they will do upon their coronation, but I will not offer silly excuses such as needing to better understand the students, faculty and staff. Hesitance is for losers. So I boldly offer my plan of action:
1. Build a wedding chapel under the Pines. This will save students the expense of paying for a church, and will save travel time as well.
2. Offer a money-back guarantee for any girls who graduate without an Mrs. degree. (Note to board members: financially this will work because we’ll offer 90% scholarships to all male seniors who are married. If that doesn’t work, we just won’t grant degrees to guys unless they marry a TMC girl.)
3. Convert the gym to a permanent chapel, and build a new basketball court in the parking lot. Parking will not be allowed in the basketball court from 4-4:30 pm each day. Players will be provided with sunscreen, so that their delicate skin is not damaged by playing outside in the sunshine.
4. Buy more books for the library. Way more books.
5. Add new courses to the Bible department: History of Ancient Israel I; History of Ancient Israel II; History of Ancient Israel III; History of Ancient Israel IV. Required, of course, for everyone.
6. Require that all Music majors go to Israel for a semester, preferably during their senior year.
7. Change the calendar to add two weeks off of classes for Sukkot in the fall and two weeks off for Passover in the spring.
8. Use the money for athletic scholarships for summer missions trips.
9. Forbid professors from having blogs, especially on April 1.
**Personal request: please do not forward this post/link to anyone or tell anyone about it. It is only for the amusement of my regular readers. I make this request because it might be misunderstood by those who don’t know me and don’t read here regularly. Thanks.**
UPDATE: I went from fired to president in a mere two years (4/1/06) and today was certainly better than April 1 last year!
You got me! Go ahead, call me gullible…
I am glad to endorse Todd Bolen’s election as president of The Master’s College, due to my strong agreement with his platform, espectally #8.
Todd Bolen’s platform has my support! I’d be honored to have such a president at The Masters’ Colege.
Could be the start of something big, a stepping stone to . . .
Todd, in my professional opinion, taking pictures of dirt should qualify you for a doctorate.
Hey, SPO’7 has always supported you for President.
Finally, truely great priorities
i could have saved a ton of money on account of not getting a ring and then would have had time in the summer to go on those mission trips!
Go,Go,Go!!!
Thanks for a great laugh today Todd…i was hoping someone would do something this April fool’s
Can I be vice pres? Or at least teach one of the History of Ancient Israel classes?
Because the T is capitalized at the end of ‘PresidenT’ I thought we had to put all the capital letters together to find a secret message! well anyways, Todd for President! =)
Would #2 be retroactive as well? :)
I guess you’re not as busy as I thought.
Hahaha!
You didn’t say that the “bored” of directors was opposed to your being crazy. ;)
And what is all this about marrying a Master’s girl? You didn’t marry a Master’s girl!
Thanks Todd, the post brought a lot of cool memories. Next year you should take a full time grader position, more fun than being a president.
Todd, I’ll do it. Hey Bobby, you’re gullible.
Considering #2 I hope there’s a plan to limit the female population.
Todd: At first I thought this post was an object lesson about how not to write. Now I realize that that was only a secondary point.
Todd, I was in the middle of listening to your sermon that you preached in chapel (probably while you were here for the year in ’01-’02) when I came to your website to read about what was new. What a joy it is to hear serious warnings about the danger of falling away and then reading your very fun April fools joke all from the same man! I really enjoyed this post, especially the music majors needing to go to Ibex during their spring semester of their senior year (or something like that). Thanks, too, for your message that brought me back to the sobering thought of examining myself daily because my heart is deceitful. It was neat, too, to hear you ask the students to turn to 2 Chronicles and to be reminded of your love for the Old Testament. Not many chapel speakers spoke from the OT while I was in school. Take care, Todd and the Lord bless you. Matt and I think of you guys often and continue to pray for you.
Todd sounds good to us! We will were our T-Shirts at your inaguration!
Todd- I thought you were going to become the Pope before the president! ;) Oh, but don’t tell anyone this inside information!
By the way, Todd, have you checked out the IBEX website? On “Workday 2” did you see the first picture? Can it be that the “Barbie/Matel Mower” has been…resurrected from the dead? I thought that it died the semester after I was there (FA ’02). I don’t think that they have such tiny mowers in the U.S.- at least none that I’ve seen. And, maybe its just me, but does anyone else think that an electric mower, with a long extension cord, seems a bit hazardous?
Agreeing with Brother Zeller, I heartily endorse Todd Bolen for any position he desires so long as #8 is fulfilled prior to his ascent to power.
To all – thanks for your comments.
To some – I’m sorry for the delayed posting. They were caught by the spam filter and I never check that.
Ilena – Barbie was still alive (but hibernating) when I left. It’s good for a joke if nothing else. As far as it cutting the cord, you assume that the blade isn’t plastic!
can I still be the VP?