My friend Craig wrote last week about the (short) life of his daughter in connection with a Dallas Morning News story on a couple who enjoyed every day with a son they knew would not live long. The story prompted Craig to say more about his daughter than I recall him writing in the past. His words provoke thoughts in a few directions, but one that I thought I would follow up on here is the unkind comments that people made to them. He wrote:
We were thankful that there were a few people here who hurt with us, but so many seemed to dismiss our situation as nothing too serious. Perhaps some just didn’t know what to say, which is common. But in many cases, it was simply a cultural callousness toward these types of things.
Craig doesn’t say so explicitly, but some of those who hurt him and his wife were believers. These are people like you and me, and I think the errors were more out of ignorance than malice. The question in my mind, then, is how we respond in the loss of a loved one, including a child. Craig is not the first person I have heard express dismay over what believers said at the death of a child.
Why is it that we are so ignorant in this area? Perhaps it is because we have little experience, because we are not taught, and because we tend to avoid talking about such subjects. In other situations, we learn from teaching “in the moment,” but I would guess that little is taught at such a sensitive time. Some probably learn from their mistakes, but since confrontation isn’t usually possible or appropriate, many may never realize the wounds their words made. Probably the ones who learn the most are those who are already suffering; they can certainly apply what they learned the next time they have the opportunity to comfort a hurting friend.
I wonder if there is another way. I wonder how we might learn what to say and when. There probably are books on the subjects, but I don’t have any on my shelf and I can’t name any. Most of us probably don’t have time to read one right now anyway. But maybe there are some suggestions that those who have learned can share.
What makes this matter different than some others is that it is not necessarily about truth, but about speaking truth at the right time. God is always sovereign, but there may be a time when we should not speak of it. God is always loving, but “a word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Prov 25:11). As Job said, “How painful are honest words!” (Job 6:25). But the gentle and compassionate Servant could say that “the Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary” (Isa 53:4).
So I wonder if I might by this post 1) raise awareness that too many people say hurtful things to hurting people; 2) provoke you to think about being prepared; 3) solicit some advice for me and others as to how best be prepared for situations like these.
One of the tougher things I get to do as a pastor is to help people through things like the loss of a child, the death of a spouse, a child with severe handicaps. Every time I do, one of the first things I warn them about is that well meaning people will say things that they hope will be helpful, but are often poorly thought out and hurtful. If you have never gone through this, you have no idea how common this is.
In almost every circumstance, in a few weeks these families tell me how right I was.
I truly think people are just trying to be helpful and try to make sense of the event for both themselves and the grieving family.
In some ways, I think it’s even harder for Christians, because showing too much grief or sorrow might give the idea that you don’t trust God to work through that tragedy. “We’re so happy (blank) is now in heaven”. “God won’t give you more than you can handle”. “This must be a part of God’s plan.” Well meaning comments from people who just don’t know what to say.
Dr Jerry Sittser, a professor at Whitworth (the last good Presbyterian college), lost most of his family in a car crash. He wrote a book called “A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss” and he has a good section on this.
This book is so good, a family in my church who lost a child to suicide has actually bought over a dozen copies and gives them to anyone they know is dealing with sudden loss of a loved one.
Todd,
I hesitate to enter this thread because I don’t want to stifle any positive input from others. Neither do I want to take over your post.
But, I would like to make a clarifying point: While I did include the point you are opening up for discussion here, I don’t want others (without reading my post) to think I was pile driving my friends who responded in ways that were hurtful.
I more intended to draw a larger picture of what life is like in Israel, moving away from the common aura of the “Holy Land” to what life is and can really be like here on a day to day basis. [That is one of my main objectives in blogging.]
I suspect that many American Christians would be surprised at the abortion rate in Israel or the common belief that it takes 30 days outside the womb to arrive at person hood.
Todd and Al,
I agree with you both that people tend to be well meaning.
I think one of the mistakes commonly made by well-intentioned Christians is to too quickly try to explain or assign meaning to the painful events others are going through. I’ve done it, and I regret having done so.
In my experience as a pastor and a grieving parent, I have discovered that just standing/sitting there with the grieving person(s) with tears in your eyes and fighting the lump in your throat is more comforting than all the explanations we can try to muster.
I lost my father while in Israel (Jan 2006) and for many reasons decided to stay and finish the course. Dr. Richard Rigsby (OT Professor, Talbot School of Theology), Mrs. Rigsby, and the students all taught me some great lessons:
1) My lost was their lost; my tears their tears
2) They honored the time I needed to be alone in my anguish with God, even in the midst of a lecture
3) A gentle hand on the shoulder or a look of compassion meant more than words
4) Knowing at any given time, these saints were interceding on my behalf
5) At times, when I was more receptive, they shared their personal loss and made me feel less alone in my grief
They loved me when I needed God’s love in tangible ways. For that I am grateful and the experience has since provided me with the model of “bearing one another’s burdens.”
Todd,
I don’t have so much of an editorial about this phenomena, but maybe just a word of what people did say that was helpful to me:
1. “Your mom was such a great/kind/loving/caring lady.” Yes, she was. These words acknowledged what I knew but ministered to me by hearing others miss her too. When a life is taken away, friends speaking words of thankfulness to know her helped me to feel like I was not alone.
2. “We will miss her.” For similar reasons as above.
3. “It’s so hard.” Even though others grief may not have been as great, these words that identified with what I was feeling helped.
4. “She left quite a legacy.” These words helped me to focus on her whole life, not just the dying days, and pointed me toward thankfulness for having such a mother for 27 years (when so many in the world go without even a day), and that those 27 years were awesome!
If I paused for longer, the list would be as well. In thinking through this, Prov. 14:10 has helped. There just is a limit to which others cannot identify fully with our joy and sorrow experientially. And this principle helps us to fight the thoughts that those who do not say things or don’t say the right things don’t care. Many times, it is that they have not known sorrow themselves and been trained by it to practically care for others (2 Cor. 1). But I think you’re right in that our words, intentionally thoughtful and purposeful, can transcend these limits and minister beyond our ability to feel.
I have a friend who lost a child while I was still a college student and I was a poor minister to him. I often wish I could go back and apply the lessons that I learned since then to be a true friend. But part of God’s work in me was seeing he and his wife’s wrestling with God by faith through that difficulty. Their story continues to have a testimony to me and to those I try to encourage.
A resource that may be helpful is a book by James Bruce, entitled From Grief to Glory. In it, he surveys a selective history of believers who lost children and lived by faith. Having a room full of friends in the pages of a book who have gone through the same difficulty of sorrow can be very powerful. I also have recommended your web log recording the life of Timothy David.
Hey Todd-
Soooo, I have a bad habit of ignoring my googlereader until there are 500+ posts, scrolling and then clicking through many as ‘mark read all’, but saving yours to read as my ‘reward’ for cleaning out my googlereader (seriously, your stuff is some of my favorite stuff).
Sooo, what happens? By the time I get to the ‘reward’, I have to move on due to time.
SO, your blog posts mount in my reader.
Soooo, today was the day when I got to catch up on 22 or so of your posts (still have some to cruise through)!!!
And, this post, in particular was so meaningful to me.
I’ve been around a lot of death (and though not through the death of a child of my own), have been on the receiving end of streams of well intentioned mourners who have said/done things that they would be horrified if they knew the negative impact of their input. Back in the day, I have also been one of those people (maybe still am, but try really hard not to be).
One of our elders and I were recently talking about dying and our culture and our interaction/response to death and how poorly we do it, as a Christian sub culture. We both saw the need for a ‘manual’ or a ‘for dummies’ guidebook for death (either going through it yourself, but moreso when someone you know goes through it).
I have thought that it would be cool to do a compilation book (various authors) and work on this concept/goal. I think the author contributors should be people who have gone through their ‘it’ with death and who have tasted the richness of comfort that comes from journeying through the dark & quiet and lonely places of death with God alone. And, as a result, have some really practical advice for people who will inevitably go through it.
You said it best when you said “Probably the ones who learn the most are those who are already suffering; they can certainly apply what they learned the next time they have the opportunity to comfort a hurting friend.”
(well, I’m pretty sure Paul said it in the new testament too in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.)
Ok, I have a bajillion more thoughts on the topic (culture, society, tradition, etc), but have to go (big surprise there). But, I’d like to revisit it if you want. I think the topic of death and ‘not wasting it’ is far too undertaught/lived through (especially in the western world).
In the meantime, a few years ago I started an on-line business with a friend of mine, after I had 4 tragic deaths in the span of 2 weeks and was innundated with emails, questions, etc). http://www.LifeMemorial.com
we’re still working on it, but it’s a start.
We hope to one day to build it out and include the ‘how to’ concept tips for people navigating through the waters of death.
I’m open to all your thoughts/comments/advice if you get a chance to cruise it.
I hope you’re well and I miss you guys!
Everyone – these are helpful comments. Thank you for taking the time to share here. I certainly think the need exists for more teaching (by pastors, professors, moms and dads) on the subject.
Al and Joshua – thank you for the book recommendations; they look good.
Joshua mentioned Proverbs 14:10, which says, “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”
Sam – I think the website resource is great. Probably the tough thing is people knowing about it at the right time (we tend to ignore such resources until the moment comes). I think the concept is great, pricing is very fair, and your idea of expanding it with tips and resources (such as the books mentioned here) would make it even more valuable.