I looked tonight and saw that I haven’t posted anything here in a week. Sorry to disappoint. I guess nothing has come to mind at the right time. But I looked through my stack of “drafts” and found something that, while unpolished, might get me out of having to think harder.
Yesterday was, of course, Valentine’s Day. To celebrate, I took the students to Shiloh where we did a careful biblical exegesis of Judges 21, which gives the prescribed method for dating. This chapter is really quite helpful and relevant. After the study, it was time for application, and so the guys hid in the outlying area while the girls danced. In little time, quite a few matches were made and the biblical principles were ingrained in ways that can hardly be surpassed.
More seriously, at some point in the recent past, I jotted down a few thoughts I had with regard to dating. These are primarily geared to ladies. I find that ladies need to hear this more because 1) there tend to be more ladies than guys in Christian circles, including TMC; 2) ladies generally are not pursuing guys and thus have less “control”; 3) society, especially Christian society, has placed some unbiblical expectations on young women with regard to marriage. So, for what it’s worth, here are a few of my thoughts.
- Don’t be consumed; don’t be anxious.
- Be happy to be single; take advantage of the opportunities you wouldn’t have if you were married.
- Don’t come on too strong; I’d probably avoid this line: “I’m hoping to get married in a year and a half.”
- But don’t act uninterested if you might be.
- Don’t be unsatisfied with a good friendship; the best marriages come from this.
- Wait for the right guy; that means passing some by.
- Be the right girl.
- If you dress immodestly, you’ll get a guy (the wrong one).
- They can tell the difference between genuine and a show.
- Compromise on some things but not on his faith.
- Consider whether you should move to a place where there are more of the right kinds of guys.
Some potential titles for my new book:
- Dating: What You Can Learn from the Benjaminites
- Grab a Girl and Go
- Valentine’s Day, God’s Way
- The Vineyards of Shiloh: A Biblical Strategy for a Happy Marriage
- I Kissed Courting Goodbye
Todd,
One of my professors (Dr. Derickson) said in class, “Women, if you want a good man, be godly. A godly man will be drawn to a godly woman.” I think this is some of the best advice one can give a young woman.
My wife and I have been married for 5 1/2 years now. Before that we dated (mostly long-distance) for 4 years, during which time we became best friends. To be honest, she was (self- described, I might add) homely. It was her godly attitude that made me fall for her. She is my best friend, companion, and soul mate. I encourage everyone to do just as you suggest, letting a friendship become a marriage. I see many married couples struggle because they are not friends first.
Another great peice of advice is to take things slowly, so that you have time to get to know the other person very well. My old roomate at collage met, dated, and married his wife in less than half the time than my wife and I had been dating. They struggle with things my wife and I worked out years ago.
I’m not saying that we don’t have problems, but I am more happy now than I have ever been being married to my wife.
You crack me up! Thanks for your very colorful post:) I found your thoughts extremely helpful as well (especially a handful of them that I need to be sure to write down and not forget). Thanks!
Let’s add another one: don’t be consumed by the lie the culture sells that a marriage will somehow fix you or meet your needs.
Thanks Todd…
I appreciate the point about being happy while single. Rick Holland reminds the college students at Grace Church to be purposefully pursuing Christ during these years (and years of marriage too). I don’t know much, but I think sometimes the issue is one of contentment. Are we content with God alone or do we need a person to find our ultimate fulfillment?
I must admit I like Valentine’s Day a lot more now that I am married!
I Kissed Courting Goodbye…I hope you don’t write that book. There are principles from courting that I believe honor God and protect the growing relationship between a man and woman. I affirm courtship’s limited parental involvement and counsel. My folks are wiser than me and my father’s instruction paid off. God go with you.
Thanks for the good advice, Todd. Great introduction, too. I could’ve done without the potshot at Josh Harris.
Or maybe…
“Stolen wives are sweet…”
(adapted from Prov. 9:17)
Nice, Todd… : )
thankyou for the light but valuable insights… i agree about the take advantage of the stuff you can do now…i went overseas for a year, and it was such a great adventure! i do lots of stuff with my students that i could never do if i was married… and to quote Dr. Plew, “it is better to be single than to wish you were” …ouch!
Todd,
I think the rules can be adjusted for the guys too. Some carry over, but here are some for the guys:
— Don’t act uninterested, because she likely isn’t going to approach you first.
— Wait for the right girl; that means passing some by.
— Pick the right girl
— If she dresses immodestly, you don’t want her (though you could probably get her)
I think that many of these rules are applicable both ways. No need to rush. No need to dislike being single. No need to compromise on faith.
Coming on too strong will turn a girl off. I’ve learned this the hard way. It can eliminate a friendship, which I’ve learned is a valued way of “bonding” with the opposite sex.
My high school students think it is strange, since I’m 32, that I’m unmarried and single. In their minds, I should be married and have children (possibly even their age, since many have parents my age or younger). Simply put, it goes against their cultural upbringing. In their culture, I would be married and have children.
All – thank you for the good comments.
Gunner – it wasn’t a potshot, it was a joke.
Matt – I no more plan on writing “Courting Goodbye” than I plan to write “Grab a Girl and Go.” Given the context, it should be clear that such a book would be about how to kidnap a wife, and I certainly am not advocating that.
Thanks, Todd, I really needed to hear some of your biblically principled thoughts!
you could always set up IBEX harmony.com for all of the alumni :)
Todd, I, for one, liked your joke. But I also liked the book “I Gave Dating A Chance” (which is by a TMC grad no less). Josh Harris has a ton of good though-provoking insights, but overall is a bit simplistic… “My friends Johnny and Kim courted and they got married and have a wonderful life. I also know this couple, Ryan and Bethany; they dated and they failed sexually and it ended bad.”
Best dating book I’ve read in a long time is “5 Paths to Finding the Love of Your Life” feat. John Macarthur Inc’s own, Rick Holland.
All that to say, thanks for your post. I think if 1. and 4. could be successfully accomplished together (content enough to not force anything, risky enough to be vulnerable and get to know someone), one would be a long way towards the good.
SEZ
Todd,
Loved this post! About your #9, I wonder, how does one determine where there is a promising number of “the right kinds of guys” in order to move there? (ask friends who live in other cities? poll relatives? Google it? go to a big (and theologically sound) church, or one with a thriving college/career ministry?) And is it ok to put myself in a place where the odds are better, for lack of a better phrase? It almost seems like betraying a belief in God’s sovereignty, as if I were taking my situation into my own hands; yet I do not think contentment or trust means sitting at home waiting for God to deliver a husband to my doorstep. It’s an interesting balance, but Jay Adams likens it, in his book Christian Living in the Home, to praying for our daily bread, then going out and working for it. We act in faith and have jobs, not overstepping our bounds of obedience and dependence on God, and He provides for our needs, abundantly so.
Personally, I’m working on honing homemaking skills and developing godly qualities “in the meantime,” to prepare for my hoped-for future. It’s an interesting place to be, having received no ring by spring, but I am choosing to make the most of it! It is also a great adventure. Godliness with contentment is great gain indeed!
(Great article on “what to do while waiting on God”: http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/departments/finding_your_place/a0000680.html)
Todd: Thanks for clarifying. I didn’t doubt that it was a joke. Sometimes it’s just hard to tell the difference.
That didn’t make much sense (the comment above). What I mean is that I know it was a joke, but the line between a joke and a potshot can be pretty blurry (e.g., sarcasm), especially when it’s about Josh Harris who I personally believe gets mocked in our circles a lot more than is charitable. I do believe you meant no harm.
Gunner – I am ignorant of mockery of Josh Harris (or of his views on dating). I have no reason to be critical of his theories, and I certainly appreciate the ministry that he is apart of (SG).
Marisa – my point here would apply more to young ladies who feel that God has prepared them for marriage and motherhood but live in a place where there appear to be no marriage prospects (e.g., small town where no one is coming or going). I don’t think it is intrinsically wrong to consider moving, for instance, to a theologically sound church in a larger city. If God’s will is for the person not to marry, God can make that clear. I think your comments about God working through our trusting actions are on target.
SEZ – great comments; thank you. I look forward to meeting you in the near future.
Josh – my methods are more subtle :-).
moving???
speaking anecdotally, I live across the street from a seminary smack in the middle of the Bible belt, and am rapidly approaching 30 still single (although happy for the opportunities it is giving me…like finishing seminary myself, etc).
My friend (who also wanted marriage and motherhood) obediently followed God to the Gaza Strip to work as a nurse, where the mission board told her it was very unlikely that she would find a believing husband. Her future husband was a US soldier who brought a wounded child to the hospital where she worked. Four children later….
The ability to be satisfied, pass some guys by, dress modestly, and even leave the Bible belt comes from the belief that God is in control, and I don’t want that which He doesn’t give!
Todd: Thanks for the clarification. Harris gets ridiculed a fair amount in my circles when it comes to his early views on courtship/dating, and I think it often crosses the line of kindness. That was the context for my original comment. But obviously you weren’t aware of that context. Fair enough. I still like the post and the advice.
Great post Todd, and I really enjoyed the humor. Hee hee.
I agree with Gunner’s observation of Joshua Harris Treatment here at TMC — he is rediculed inappropriately. It’s a shame, because it takes the fun out of a good joke like the “I kissed courtship goodbye.” Oh, well. I suspect part of the problem is most people don’t read Harris’ sequal, “Boy meets girl” (which is actually quite enjoyable to read, no matter one’s views on the subject.)
Whoa Todd. Looks like you struck a chord with this post…evidenced by all the comments.
I just wanted to say that I have had little time lately to read most blogs and I just logged on to yours…man, do I miss is. I can’t wait to have an hour or so to read the last month or so.
Always a varied mix of all types of good stuff!
Todd, you know those costumes that Phyllis made? You should take some students back to Shiloh and let them reenact Valentine’s Day in those costumes…Just a thought… : )
Todd,
Thanks for your clarification…I apologize for not understanding the context. Thanks for setting me straight. Sometimes I think Josh Harris just gets a bad rap or maybe slightly maligned for his work. True, not all courting relationships will end in a God honoring marriage, but I think he does suggest some God glorifying ideas.
I dated my wife, but I sought (by the grace of God) to incorporate courting principles into our relationship. I found it very helpful and she is quite close to my family now (and though her family is in Alaska, I am close to them).
I realize you are not criticizing courting, but I just wanted to share a few thoughts.
Scott, thank you for your thoughts. It would be wise for me to read “I Gave Dating A Chance” and “5 Paths to Finding the Love of Your Life.” I always enjoy Rick Holland. Thanks for the suggestion. Hey, I have enjoyed getting to know your brother Luke in our Bible study.
God go with you both.
Matt
Looks like you picked the right topic. =) I’m agreed with SEZ… I laughed at your joke… although I also greatly love & appreciate SG. Good thoughts. Thanks for helping to keep us singles on the right road. You and Rick Holland both broach this topic with some frequency and I think it’s good, since it’s obviously on the mind of a lot of collegiates. I can’t wait to hear some more of your tips in person in a month. =) Shiloh sounded like fun.
Here is a good quote of an inflamatory nature from Prof. Suzuki at TMC:
“Here is my Calvinist pick-up line: ‘Are you a Calvinist? Good, because I’m into total depravity.'”