{"id":637,"date":"2008-04-01T01:46:39","date_gmt":"2008-04-01T07:46:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/2008\/03\/31\/announcement-i-am-the-president\/"},"modified":"2008-04-01T01:46:39","modified_gmt":"2008-04-01T07:46:39","slug":"announcement-i-am-the-president","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/2008\/04\/01\/announcement-i-am-the-president\/","title":{"rendered":"Announcement: I am the PresidenT"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am pleased to announce that I have been appointed president of The Masters’ Colege.  While this may come as a surprise to many, the current president has decided to focus his energies on his grandchildren.  Thus the bored of trustees searched and found me.  While some might object that I do not have a doctorate, the college or seminary (one of them, not yet decided) will award me an honorary doctorate, thus proving that I am qualified.  Some might object that I’m not connected enough to the college to be ready to take over.  I acknowledge the fact that except for two semesters in 2001-02, for the last 11 years, I have been 8,000 miles away from the school.  And this year while in Dallas I don’t have a clue about what is going on, except for 573 emails from Sherry Staffs each day.  But the board has decided that “not having a clue” is really an advantage.  Others might object that I have no experience.  But experience is over-rated.  And I would have you know that in grade school, I ran for ASB vice-president several<\/em> times.  Since then, I have been a community leader.  I’m not a first-term senator, but otherwise I have as much experience as either Obama or Hillary, and I’m only being appointed president of a college with 1,000 students, not commander-in-chief of 300 million people.  So, take that!  But really, the administration has acknowledged my remarkable skills at bringing people together, my ability to give mesmerizing speeches to groups larger than 20, and my giftedness at taking photographs of mounds of dirt.  I accept their appointment with profound humility, and declare my readiness to prove to the world just why that other “Christian” college (notice the quotation marks!) in Southern California is far inferior.  <\/p>\n

Many presidents-elect would prefer to dilly-dally before announcing grand plans about what they will do upon their coronation, but I will not offer silly excuses such as needing to better understand the students, faculty and staff.  Hesitance is for losers.  So I boldly offer my plan of action:<\/p>\n

1. Build a wedding chapel under the Pines.  This will save students the expense of paying for a church, and will save travel time as well.<\/p>\n

2. Offer a money-back guarantee for any girls who graduate without an Mrs. degree.  (Note to board members: financially this will work because we’ll offer 90% scholarships to all male seniors who are married.  If that doesn’t work, we just won’t grant degrees to guys unless they marry a TMC girl.)<\/p>\n

3. Convert the gym to a permanent chapel, and build a new basketball court in the parking lot.  Parking will not be allowed in the basketball court from 4-4:30 pm each day.  Players will be provided with sunscreen, so that their delicate skin is not damaged by playing outside in the sunshine.<\/p>\n

4. Buy more books for the library. Way more books.<\/p>\n

5. Add new courses to the Bible department: History of Ancient Israel I; History of Ancient Israel II; History of Ancient Israel III; History of Ancient Israel IV.  Required, of course, for everyone.<\/p>\n

6. Require that all Music majors go to Israel for a semester, preferably during their senior year.<\/p>\n

7. Change the calendar to add two weeks off of classes for Sukkot in the fall and two weeks off for Passover in the spring.<\/p>\n

8. Use the money for athletic scholarships for summer missions trips.<\/p>\n

9. Forbid professors from having blogs, especially on April 1<\/a>.<\/p>\n

**Personal request: please do not forward this post\/link to anyone or tell anyone about it.  It is only for the amusement of my regular readers. I make this request because it might be misunderstood by those who don’t know me and don’t read here regularly.  Thanks.**<\/p>\n

UPDATE: I went from fired to president in a mere two years (4\/1\/06<\/a>) and today was certainly better than April 1 last year<\/a>!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am pleased to announce that I have been appointed president of The Masters’ Colege.  While this may come as a surprise to many, the current president has decided to focus his energies on his grandchildren.  Thus the bored of trustees searched and found me.  While some might object that I do not have a\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-637","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-april-fools-day"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/637","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=637"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/637\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=637"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=637"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toddbolen.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=637"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}